Examples
of Student's Writing
Student
4 – Essay #4
Cram School
As
everyone has already known very well, we students in Taiwan
have been generally forced to take all kinds of possible enhancements
except school since we were only children. Naturally, not too
many kids could avoid the fate calling. In the case, we can’t
go home directly to watch our favorite TV show neither catch
up our mom’s dinner time. No more games and less family time.
Where are we going instead? Cram school. See, the whole pragmatic
system makes most of us a less happy childhood. Why have we
been suffered? I’ll say those entry examinations cause the consequence.
Nevertheless,
the system operates fair enough for people to fight for their
own level in society. The rule is: if you can tolerate yourself
to exchange your very freedom with knowledge, you could have
a better chance to success in getting a job. And regular schools
obviously should serve better. Thus, that’s how cram school
was created by the demand. In cram school, teachers’ schedule
usually goes beyond our regular lectures. Whether students could
intake as expected remains a mystery.
The
atmosphere varies by the purpose of cram schools. For those
children English teacher facilities, they really make their
courses attractive and appealing. I rather miss the old time
in Hess English. They inspired me and intrigue English in my
mind. As the matter of the rest cram school trying to train
me as an experienced answering machine. Although I’m still in
the circle, at least there’s no more hated Mathematic now. That
reminds me of a famous writer Mr.Hou Wen-Yo once mentioned in
his audio book. “If someone asks me what my interest and profession
is? That will be dealing with exams,” he said. I laughed from
my heart, and could agree no more.
Sometimes
I wonder which genius invented the word” cram school” because
it’s really vivid and well suited to the issue. Does this essay
look too serious? That’s exactly the same feeling when I think
of cram school. Now I can’t stand it anymore. Let’s change the
channel.
Words
of this essay 346
Student 4 -
Essay #4 Corrected
As
everyone has
already known very well knows,
we students in Taiwan have been generally forced to take all
kinds of possible enhancements except outside of school
since we were only children. Naturally, not too many kids could
avoid the fate calling that called.
In the
most cases, we can’t go home
directly to watch our favorite TV show neither nor can we catch up enjoy our
mom’s dinners at dinner
time. We
get N no more games and
less family time. Where are we going instead? Cram school. See,
the whole pragmatic system makes most of us a less happy in childhood.
Why
have we been suffered?
I’ll say those entry
examinations are the cause
of
the unfortunate
consequence. Nevertheless, the system operates
fairly
enough for people to fight for their own level in society. The
rule is: if you can tolerate yourself to exchangeing your very freedom
with knowledge, you could can have a better
chance to of success
in getting a job. And regular schools obviously should serve
better. Thus, that’s how cram
schools was were created
by the demand.
In
cram school, the teacher’s’
schedule usually goes beyond our regular lectures.
Whether
students could can intake
as expected remains a mystery.
The
atmosphere varies by the purpose of cram schools. For those
children English teacher facilities, they really make their
courses attractive and appealing. I rather miss the old times in at Hess
English School.
They inspired me and brought the intrigue of English
in to
my mind. As the a matter of fact, the rest
cram school trying tried to train me
as an experienced answering machine. Although I’m still in the
circle, at least there’s no more of the hated Mathematics
now. That reminds me of a famous writer Mr.Hou
Wen-Yo who once mentioned in his audio book: .
“If someone asks me what my interest and profession is? That
will would be
dealing with exams,” he said. I laughed from my heart, and could
not agree no more.
Sometimes,
I wonder which genius invented the word ” cram school” because it’s really a vivid description and
which is well suited
to the issue. Does this essay look seem too serious?
That’s exactly the same feeling I get when I think of cram school. Now
I can’t stand it anymore. Let’s change the channel subject.
Student
4 - Essay #4 Rewritten
As
everyone well knows, we students in Taiwan have been generally
forced to take all kinds of possible enhancements outside of
school since we were only children. Naturally, not too many
kids could avoid the fate that called. In most cases, we can’t
go home directly to watch our favorite TV show nor can we enjoy
our mom’s dinners at dinnertime. We get no more games and less
family time.
Where
are we going instead? Cram school. See, the whole pragmatic
system makes most of us a less happy in childhood. Why have
we suffered? I’ll say entry examinations are the cause of the
unfortunate consequence. Nevertheless, the system operates fairly
enough for people to fight for their own level in society. The
rule is: if you can tolerate exchanging your very freedom with
knowledge, you can have a better chance of success in getting
a job. And regular schools obviously should serve better.
Thus,
cram schools were created by the demand. In cram school, the
teachers’ schedule usually goes beyond our regular lectures.
Whether students can intake as expected remains a mystery.
The atmosphere varies by the purpose of cram schools. For those
children English teacher facilities, they really make their
courses attractive and appealing. I rather miss the old times
at Hess English School. They inspired me and brought the intrigue
of English to my mind. As a matter of fact, cram school tried
to train me as an experienced answering machine. Although I’m
still in the circle, at least there’s no more of the hated Mathematics
now. That reminds me of a famous writer Mr. Hou
Wen-Yo who once mentioned in his audio
book: “If someone asks me what my interest and profession is?
That would be dealing with exams,” he said. I laughed from my
heart, and could not agree more.
Sometimes, I wonder which genius invented the word” cram school”
because it’s really a vivid description which is well suited
to the issue. Does this essay seem too serious ? That’s exactly
the same feeling I get when I think of cram school. Now I can’t
stand it anymore Let’s change the subject.
Student
1-Essay#10
The 911 Terrorist Attacks
On the time of Taipei, 9:15 PM, September 11th 2001,
that happened three
Exposed
in New York. To open the television, I saw a small flight object
just stroke into the American World Trade Center.
A
big boom sound was handed out. Then I also heard some scaring
and crying. To look very clearly, I saw the rubbles were shut
out. At the second time, as a little flight flied to strike
the WTC again, everyone just focus on TV. Yelling, crying, and
scaring sound was heard very directly. I also saw a few people
felled down from building. It’s really horrendous news from
far away the New York. However, the journalists of each media
all reported this terrible attack. I know who was the damaged
murder of this attack, terrorists of Banladan, Afghanistan. The news delivered very fast, whole
world were mourning for America. The people of U.S.A. were traumatized
on this attack. This time the attacks brought America a big
damage on economic and live of residents. Nevertheless, Bush,
the president of USA, decided to give the terrorist a big retaliation
as same as the 911 terrorist Attacks.
When I heard that, I was also mourning for the victims. As if
the world doesn’t have a question about rich and poor are not
equal, I think there will no more war and fighting. I am really
upset to saw these poor victims that was killed on the devastating
behavior of terrorists. “All men are equal”, why people want
to kill themselves only for the money and famous? Whatever life
is too hard to live, we all have to take care of our lives.
In addition, we have to avoid the war and fighting. Living in
the Earth the people should to creative a peaceful world, and
to love the sources that God give us. Finally, I just want to
tell terrorists that they should learn respect the live of people,
and I also want to tell the presidents of the whole world, people
choose them to bring people into a wonderful and peaceful world,
not war world.
Words
in this essay 349
Student
Essay #10 Corrected
On the time of At
Taipei,
9:15
PM Taipei time, on September
11th 2001, that happened three
Exposed in a dramatic event
occurred in New York. To
open When I turned on the television, I saw
a small flight flying object
just stroke strike into
the American World Trade Center.
A
big boom sound
was handed
out heard. Then I also heard some scaring screaming and
crying. To look very clearly,
I saw the rubbles were shut out. At the second time, as a little
flight flied to strike the WTC again, While everyone just was focused on the
TV,
a second flight struck the second tower of the WTC.
Yelling, crying, and scaring
screaming sounds
was were heard very directly. I also
saw a few people felled fall down from the building.
It’s
was
really horrendous news from far away the
as New York. However,
the j Journalists
of
each from
media
all
over the world reported
this terrible attack. I know who was were the damaged murder organizers
of this attack, the *terrorists of Banladan, Bin Laden of
Afghanistan. The news was delivered very fast, and the whole
**world
were
was mourning
for America. The people of U.S.A. were traumatized on by this attack. This
time the attacks brought America a big damage on much economic strife and stress in the
lives
of the
residents. Nevertheless, Bush, the president of
USA, decided to *** retaliate give the terrorist
a big retaliation as same as against the 911 terrorist
A attacks.
When I heard that, I was also mourning for the victims. ****As if the world doesn’t have a There is no
question about
that the rich and poor are not equal, I think there will should be no
more war and fighting. *I
am really upset to *saw see
these poor victims **that was were killed
on by the
devastating behavior of the terrorists.
“All men are equal”, why people want to kill themselves only for
*the money and *famous fame?
Whatever
Whenever life
is too hard to live, we all
have to take care of our lives ourselves. In addition,
we have to avoid the war and fighting.
Living in on the
Earth, the people
should to creative create a
peaceful world, and to love
the sources that God has
given
us. Finally, I just want to tell terrorists that they should
learn to
respect the lives of people, and I also want to tell
the presidents of the whole world, that people choose
them to bring people them into a wonderful
and peaceful world, not a world of war world.
Teacher comments:
You really have
to watch your parallel structure. It’s a simple idea….*terrorists
is plural so the verb is were. **world is singular, so the
verb is was. Also, victims
is
plural so the verb has
to be were. *Residents is plural so lives is
plural.
*I am really upset
to see.[not saw, it would have to be he
saw]. Do you see how
that works? You really have to think about agreement with each
word set. You are making the same mistake over and over again.
*Another example….for the money and famous. Famous is an adjective,
money is a noun. If you use them in the same string of
words, they need to be parallel structure. Fame is the noun form of famous.
With money, people, and also with war, you don’t need the article the.
Just ‘money’,
‘people’,
and ‘war’
will do.
*** You can’t give a retaliation. To retaliate
is a verb.
**** You can’t
start a sentence with “As if”.
Watch your prepositions.
“On” means ‘over the top of’. How can you be killed on?
In this case, you need to use ‘by’.
You
can be on the earth, not in the earth, that would
mean living on the inside of the earth.
‘Creative’ is
a noun. ‘To create’ is the verb. You would never see “to creative”.
‘War’ is an noun,
not an adjective. You could never have a ‘war world’.
Student
1 - Essay #10 Rewritten
At
9:15 PM Taipei time, on September 11th 2001, a dramatic
event occurred in New York. When I turned on the television,
I saw a small flying object strike into the American World Trade
Center.
A
big boom was heard. Then I also heard some screaming and crying.
While everyone was focused on the TV, a second flight struck
the second tower of the WTC. Yelling, crying, and screaming
sounds were heard. I also saw a few people fall from the building.
It was really horrendous news from far away as New York. Journalists
from all over the world reported this terrible attack. I know
who were the organizers of this attack, the terrorists of Bin
Laden of Afghanistan. The news was delivered very fast, and
the whole world was mourning for America. The people of U.S.A.
were traumatized by this attack. This time the attacks brought
America much economic strife and stress in the lives of the
residents. Nevertheless, Bush, the president of USA, decided
to retaliate against the 911 terrorists attacks.
When I heard that, I was also mourning for the victims. There
is no question that the rich and poor are not equal I think
there should be no more war and fighting. I am really upset
to see these poor victims that were killed by the devastating
behavior of the terrorists. “All men are equal”, why people
want to kill themselves for money and fame? Whenever life is
too hard to live, we have to take care of ourselves. In addition,
we have to avoid war and fighting. Living on the Earth, people
should create a peaceful world, and love the sources that God
has given us. Finally, I just want to tell terrorists that they
should learn to respect the lives of people, and I also want
to tell the presidents of the whole world that people chose
them to bring them into a wonderful and peaceful world, not
a world of war.
